There’s a logo, it’s official.
Let me explain.
Mentally, these past few days have been terrible.
Life-wise, they’ve been great. Things are going absolutely fu$)%ing fantastic with M and I, work has been progressing steadily, writing has been flowing and yesterday I got to go to the CNE for the first time since I was a child.
At least I think I went there as a child? Don’t know, I guess I would have to ask my parents. Mom? I know you’re reading, so just drop a comment down there and let us all know. 👇
So, back to the mental side of things.
I’ve just been feeling…weak.
It’s the best way I can describe it. I have a lot going on and sometimes it just starts to get the better of me and I slowly start to think I can’t handle it. Eventually, my brain gets stuck in a loop where all of my thoughts are centred around how awful I am and that I’m getting nothing done, and eventually I’m in front of the computer eating Lucky Charms and binge watching YouTube videos.
It’s not pretty.
Being unproductive is the worst torture for me. When I’m feeling productive, watch out, there’s so many ideas flying out of me I’m like Sonic the hedgehog chasing down rings.
However, when I’m feeling unproductive, I’m also like a hedgehog. I get so wrapped up in my negative thoughts I’m mentally curled into a tiny ball. Don’t get too close or touch, you may get stabbed.
Not really, exaggerating a little right there.
One of the things I do a lot when I’m stuck in one of these moods is listen to loads of music. It has the double affect of toning out my thoughts and the world around me to keep me semi-focused on what I’m doing, but also sometimes inspiring me enough to kick me out of the rut.
One such band that has done that for me in the past is a band called Speaking the Kings. I’ve written about them before, one of their songs having inspired the opening scene of my first book. The main character burns his house down, is there a better way to start a book?
Well, I was listening to this same band again this week, and on their lateset album (which is fantastic BTW), the final song has this amazing line in it. It’s a bit of a slower song, so for those of you who know I love people screaming in my ears when I’m writing, it’s a pretty safe listen.
Anyway, the lyric goes “your future is your creation, not an expectation.”
It struck one of those chords inside me that just kept vibrating for a few hours, and really made me think. Here’s a bit of my thought process as I turn my eyes inward to try and Freud myself.
I’ve chosen a line of work that is in a constant state of flux, a state of flux that is sometimes one thin budget line away from falling off a cliff.
That makes it a challenging field to be in, not to mention the job itself has its own challenges.
Put simply, it’s a lot of work.
Now, that’s not what scares me. All of you know how much I love to work. I fantasize about it when I’m not doing it and when I’m actually doing it I’m thinking about how much more I have to do, and then I get to doing that work, and around and around we go.
That attitude it hard to sustain though, and sometimes…it pains me to say, but you just want things to be easy.
Now, this is where the lyric comes in. When I get in these moods, I think that’s what I’m hoping for, that just for once, perhaps things WON’T be a lot of work? I’m waiting for that silver platter to show up, I guess.
That expectation is a ridiculous attitude to have, and honestly, one that NOBODY should EVER subscribe to.
James Joyce said it best. “A man makes his own way, nobody gives it to you, you have to take it.”
You gotta work for it.
And the best thing is that it only gets better. That’s the best thing about work. The more you put in, the more you get back. It’s a no-doubter.
That brings us full circle back to the logo.
Just like Joyce said, “you have to take it.” and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
TO BE CONTINUED…(tomorrow)